ominous.

i took the kids to a fun park yesterday
and spent the day with my childhood
(and current)
best friend
and my kids
going on water slides, in the pool and slamming
each other in the bumper boats...

this is what the sky looked like on the drive home.
and the funny thing was
no matter how many times i pulled the car
over to take some pictures,
the kids never asked me once
what or why i was doing it...
they just accept it now
that their mother
is odd.

new loves.

new outdoor table and chairs

new shoes

new dress

beach bum

we spent the day at the beach today
and then came home
and bbq'd steak
and roasted new potatoes,
had corn on the cob
and onions...
mmmm.
i love summer.

today.

today is dark
and dreary
and i always feel as though
i am
out of time,
not enough time...
not enough time
to get everything done at work,
not enough time spent with the kids,
no time to do any of the things
i want to do...

i have a baby shower to go to tonight
and an unfinished baby hat...
a wedding shower tomorrow night
and no gift, no card.

this is not working,
this work thing.
just not working out at all.

sometimes.

sometimes i think i should just write...

i should just show up to the page
and write
whatever comes to mind,
write to let go.
write to release.
write to write.
for the sake of writing.

eliminate all planning, all foresight,
all corrections and analysis.

stream of consciousness.

letting go.

auto-pilot
and see what comes out.

maybe that's what i'll do this month.

it can't be any less than what i have
already
been doing.

an adventure...

so.
i took the kids to the drive-in.
for the first time.
by myself.
the drive-in that is a 55 minute drive away.

i print directions off the internet,
and get to the halfway point in good time...
stop for gas,
ask the lady if this is the quickest way.
she gives me a short cut
and here's where the adventure
begins.

i drive and drive and drive
and yet, still have yet to come across the
stop sign that was the very first thing in
the new directions.

i ask for new new directions.
"oh...you need to go back that way...you need to
pass through village a, b and c...again."
so i do this.

still not seeing a drive-in.
and it's dark now.

i stop again for directions.
"oh, you are twenty minutes away...
back in the direction you were ORIGINALLY going"

so i retrace my path on this road for the THIRD time.

about ten minutes close to drive-in,
the car starts to make a funny klunky noise.

i ignore it.

i find drive-in, yay!
but it's dark and it's already begun
and i have to drive around and find a parking spot
and i have never been here before so i grab
first available spot i see....

we can barely see the screen.

but that's ok, cause at this point, i'll make the
kids settle for just listening to it,
if only i could figure out how to switch
the gawddamned cd player to radio...
wait a minute, does it have a radio?
maybe it had no radio...
oh my g...oh. wait. there it is.

i breathe a huge sigh of relief.

except.
what's that.
why is there still light coming from my car
even though my lights are off....
are those the parking lights?
how do i shut them off.
jesus. they won't shut off.
what do i do.
ack.
i'll ignore them.
whatever.
i'll just watch the movie.

until the woman in the car ahead of me
opens her door and seems to scream something at me.

so i futilely attempt to shut the lights off
but in the process of doing this,
i am flicking on my headlights, my brights,
my four ways flashers, my signal lights AND
have turned on the windshield wipers...

and now the woman opens her door and screams
f%$^$&%%**&^^*& offfffffffff at me.

to which i think i am going to cry.

i have my door half open,
i feebly call out " i don't know how to turn them off"
but she has already slammed her door.

i see two guys going to their car,
i accost them and beg for help...
otherwise i am just going to have to leave.
they shut off my parking lights for me
(we had to put on the emergency break. who knew.)

i laugh with the kids about the adventure we have had.
and how happy i am that it (appears to be) is over.

we watch the end of that movie
and the beginning of the next one.
the kids fall asleep.

i decide to call it a night and go home.

as i begin to speed up,
the noise from the car gets louder and i can
feel the steering wheel vibrate.
i am scared the wheel is going to fall off
as we had replaced the front axle not long ago
so i drive 20 km an hour....
and think...
and think...

i have no cell phone, i am in rural backroads
with two kids and a car that may in fact have a
wheel fall off while i am driving....and i don't
know where i am going.

so i keep driving until i realize that i must
have missed a turn and have just driven
by little booths for the provincial beach...
WTH...the beach! no. no. no.

so i turn around
and stop at the first hotel i see,
no pay phones and the office is closed.
we decide to stay in the car for the night
rather than drive in the pitch black
and then have the tire fall off.

nobody shows up until 6:30 am.

i call home...my husband is not there.
i leave a garbled message about where i think i am
and how i think i will just start driving.

the man at the hotel is my tire does look low,
there is an esso up the road,
bye bye and good luck.

the esso is closed.
no air pump.

the next gas station has an air pump
but no hose.
and is closed.

the next one is open but i don't know how to put
air in a tire...
at this point, i am bedraggled and exhausted,
frustrated and scared, dirty from trying to put
the air in myself and close to crying.

the kid helps me put air in the tire.

i drive away
and the car still makes a noise which leads
me to think that the damn tire is really going
to fall off my car while driving...

but happily.
we make it home.

and the kids have one hell of a story to tell.

and i have shown them that their mommy
will not crack under extreme pressure....i came
close to crying, but didn't.

i wonder what's playing next week?

where have i been?

getting bruises

and haircuts

going on rides

and gardening...

where have you been?